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Category: Agunot

The Ten Commandments of Get-Refusal

“No email was ever answered.”

“I was clueless about the process.”

“I didn’t feel they understood enough about abuse.” 

For hundreds of women and men navigating the divorce process in the Jewish court (beit din) each year, the journey is full of roadblocks. There is confusion about how the system works. Courts and judges lack training on domestic abuse, and the pressure to give in to unreasonable demands in exchange for a bill of divorce (“get”) and the freedom it brings is constant. Many women feel they are going through it alone, without the support and guidance of their leaders, communities, and the Jewish world at large.

To better understand where the system can improve, we created a survey to collect hard data about people’s experiences with the process of divorce in batei din around the world. Responses poured in from people around the Jewish world: the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, France, South Africa, Australia, Israel, Brazil, and more.

When we created the “Beit Din Experience Survey,” we knew the results would be difficult to see. But we were not prepared for the heartbreak, grief, anger, and regret that are in the responses, which have been pouring in.

“He was violent, and I ended up in a shelter with my child and they wouldn’t help.”

“I was forced to sign away my marital property and much more in exchange for a get.

Get-abuse is a serious problem all over the world, in every denomination and segment of the Jewish community. This abuse has many faces. It can look like financial extortion. It can manifest in demands on custody agreements. It can present as a demand to give up the rights to one’s marital home. When the full picture of get-abuse becomes clear, what becomes even clearer is that it is far more common and far-reaching than we think.

But we also know that when batei din have proper training, oversight, and accountability, they can provide fair and wise forums for navigating difficult divorces. We know that when communities take proactive steps to address get-refusal by implementing tools such as halachic prenups and synagogue bylaws, instances of get-abuse go down. We know that by refusing to stay silent on this critical issue, agunot (the women chained in unwanted marriages) will not have to struggle alone — instead, they will feel the love and support of all of the Jewish people behind them.

The Jewish community does not have to — and indeed must not — accept get-refusal in our midst. The sanctity of Jewish marriage is severely damaged when women wait years for their freedom. Unlike tragedies that strike at random, get-refusal is something we can solve, if we, as a community, are determined to do so.

* * *

As we observe International Agunah Day, remember that, like Esther and Mordechai, you can be the voice our community needs to address this injustice. See our Ten Commandments of Gett Abuse below, print a copy for your shul or organization, and together let’s remove the nightmare of get-refusal from our midst, and create a community where Jewish marriage has integrity and no one is held hostage or abused in the name of Torah.

The 10 Commandments of Get-Refusal

To demonstrate each commandment, we have excerpted a real survey response from people who have personal experience in a Jewish divorce court.

  1. Sign a halachic prenup/postnup
    “I did not have a prenup and the man I married was an abusive criminal.”

2. Hold leaders accountable 
“The dayanim (judges) need to understand that they are dealing with very vulnerable people.”
“I was repeatedly singled out and shamed because I was a woman asking for a divorce.”

3. Insist on transparency in the process
“They delayed the date three times”
“There was a lack of steady communication.”
“I didn’t get guidance beforehand.”

4. Encourage shuls to make a public and enforced policy against get-refusal
“I didn’t’ feel like there was any support.”
“This process truly turned me away from Orthodoxy.”

5. Urge leaders to speak about get-abuse from the pulpit
“I never feel listened to.”
“My (ex) husband started to say something about withholding the get, and the rabbi cut him short and said, very firmly, “We are not going there.”

6. Do NOT allow abusers to feel comfortable in your community.
“The issue is that the beit din does not understand narcissistic abuse.”
“They did not understand how he was being abusive and using them to manipulate me.”

7. Do NOT make excuses
“They contacted my ex about the get. He says he is not withholding, but waiting and the beit din will do nothing.”

8. Do NOT allow extortion for the sake of a get
“The sad fact is that I had to pay extortion fees for my get, and even today, I am still paying off the debt.”
“All the things that happened were out of fear that he would make me agunah. I ultimately gave up asking for any money because of that fear.”
“At one point, a rabbi told me that I had a gun to my head so to speak — that I should give in to the guy’s demands.”

9. Do NOT stand idly by
“He was violent and they wouldn’t help.”

10. Do NOT allow abuse in the name of Torah
“There was no sensitivity to my survival of domestic abuse.”

* * *

The Ten Commandments of Gett Abuse and this survey are a joint project of Chochmat Nashim, GettOutUK, and ORA — three organizations in three countries which see the same failures in the system, and the same opportunities for change in the community.

The future of Jewish marriage matters to us all. And contrary to what many say, agunot do not have to be an inevitable part of Judaism. The women and men chained in marriage today are not victims of tragedy, but victims of abuse. We can, and must, end this shame by refusing to accept get-refusal and by insisting on proper training for the courts’ judges.

Please join us.

If you would like to sign a halahic pre- or postnup to add your voices to the thousands who want to see an end to get-abuse, write to info@chochmatnashim.org with your name and the country in which you live.

If you have experience seeking divorce in the beit din, add your voice to the survey in English outside of Israel, for experience in Israel, or in French for batei din outside of Israel.

—

The above was co-authored by Shoshanna Keats Jaskoll (Chochmat Nashim), Keshet Starr (ORA), and Ramie Smith (GettOutUK). 

Originally published on The Times of Israel

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This Won’t Be London’s Final Aguna Day (but we’re working on it) (Season 5 Episode 10)

Shoshanna went to England, but not to see the queen. Rather, she brought Chochmat Nashim tools to a new locale, and regales Anne with the tales of what went on, from the poignant to the oh so very British.

Music: “Misery” by The Whips

 

 

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Women deserve chance to prosecute abusers

Readers of this paper will be aware of the firestorm surrounding the Domestic Abuse Act’s recent amendment that was sp ecifically crafted to help agunot — and the full-throated objection of the rabbinic courts.

The Federation Beth Din warned that if an aguna used the law without its express permission, it would result in the court being “unable” to issue a get.

In their letters, the Federation and London Batei Din claim to do their utmost to help women awaiting their freedom. Yet a recent JC report catalogued the despair and even suicidal thoughts of multiple women, and one man, who felt disregarded.

Perhaps this is not shocking, given that Rav Zimmerman of the Federation recently appeared on a podcast in which he called the JC a “tabloid newspaper that is anti-religious”. It seems they feel justified in dismissing the women and man who turned to the JC to have their stories told.

Having personally heard from women who have been through these Batei Din and who speak of being extorted for huge sums of money — giving up homes and even custody of their children in exchange for freedom — I can assure readers that their testimonies are not lies. Women have been left waiting decades for a get, even as their husbands have remarried and started second families.

Let’s be clear. The only reason this law was enacted is that the Batei Din do not use the power they already have to order men to give a get. Nor do they use their full abilities to enact communal pressure. Zimmerman claimed that refusers are split evenly down the gender line, even stating the well-refuted Israeli rabbinate claim that more women refuse than men. What he does not acknowledge is that for a person to be considered a refuser, the Beth Din must declare them one. Meaning that a woman can be waiting years, but if the Beth Din doesn’t order the man to give the get, she is not considered an aguna and he is not considered a refuser.

This matters — and is exactly why the UK Parliament needed to step in to save Jewish women.

The Batei Din claim that the law would make a get coerced, and thus invalid. But the law can’t force a get. At most, it can exact a price for making another person suffer. The concept of exacting a price for get refusal is not new, nor is it against halacha (as acknowledged in the Batei Din’s letter). When the community was smaller, excommunication, refusal of honours, shaming and even violence were used to persuade a get refuser to free his wife.

Today there are virtually no consequences. Men can move communities, remarry civilly and build new families, all while chaining their first wives. And this still this depends on the courts doing their job and calling a refuser a refuser. When they don’t, a man holds full standing in his community, regardless of his actions towards his wife. A woman cannot move on, lest she be labelled an adultress and her children illegitimate. Across the Jewish world, thousands of women are trapped in non-existent marriages, their freedom curtailed and their child bearing years passing them by.

This law has the potential to change reality for women in the UK. It could make get refusal painful, forcing the abuser to reconsider whether he wants to continue at all costs.

At the end of the day, nothing can deter someone who truly wants to cause someone else to suffer. Proof of this is the men in Israel who have been in jail for decades, choosing incarceration over obeying the Beth Din’s order to free their wives.

A get given because a man chooses what price he does or does not want to pay is not a “coerced” get. It is a valid and reasoned choice. People deserve the ability to prosecute their abusers. Removing that from them is a shocking violation of their civil — and religious — rights.

The communal upheaval over their position has shown the Batei Din that the community does not see them as allies, but rather as impediments to achieving justice and freeing Jewish women.

This is a tipping-point moment for the British Batei Din. They can choose to work with parliamentarians and advocates to be on the side of justice, or they can continue to be on the side of abusers.

Statements promising efforts to work together are not enough.

It is time to listen to experts and the women who are affected. It is time to act with humility and for justice. No longer must we stand by while our sisters’ blood is spilt.

Originally published in The Jewish Chronicle

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Here’s my plan to free women from get abuse

The Jewish internet has been ablaze the past few weeks with extreme cases of get refusal and domestic abuse. These cases have highlighted what is wrong — and what can be right — about Jewish marriage and divorce.

Shira Isakov was beaten nearly to death by her husband on the eve of Rosh Hashana last year in Mitzpe Rimon, Israel. After months of surgery and rehabilitation, she filed for divorce. Her husband, Aviad Moshe, refused. The case drew national headlines for weeks and the public was suitably outraged. The rabbinic court judges threatened Moshe, already in jail for her assault, with solitary confinement. He gave the get.

In the US, Chava Sharabani has been waiting over 10 years for her get. Her refuser, Naftali Sharabani, lives freely in Los Angeles. When singer Dalia Oziel posted about Chava’s plight on her Instagram account, asking her followers to share the information about Naftali’s refusal, she sparked a revolution. Jewish women continue to follow the story and have posted Naftali’s face and name thousands of times. Oziel has not let up and in the words of the Lakewood Beth Din, succeeded in doing what they couldn’t (getting Naftali to respond to the Beth Din) for what they had considered a “dead case”.

There are many Shiras and Chavas — thousands of Jewish women around the world waiting for their freedom. The only reason these two have seen movement in the rabbinic courts is the public attention they garnered. In Israel alone, there are numerous other women, abused by their husbands and still awaiting their freedom.

It should not take a national outcry or an Instagram influencer to get the Jewish courts to free these women.

It must be said that there are options within Jewish law to dissolve dead marriages. They have been used for millennia. However, none of these are universally accepted and though there are brave rabbis and courts who do use them, they’ve been all but abandoned by most.

But there are steps that rabbinic organisations and courts around the world can take immediately, even without using halachic tools, to make a massive difference for women.

First, refuse extortion. Naftali, like many other husbands witholding a get, is demanding money in exchange for his wife’s freedom. Rabbinic courts need to shut this down. It must be made clear that a woman’s freedom is not up for ransom and that rabbis won’t sanction such behaviour. No woman should be made to pay for her freedom.

Second, recognise get refusal as abuse. In the UK, coercive or controlling behaviour laws have been used to free women since 2019, allowing them to receive a get. The threat of criminal action was the motivation these men needed to free their wives. The rabbinic courts should follow this lead. Shira won her freedom because images of her slashed face were on every major newspaper and media outlet. The Beth Din could not possibly deny the abuse done to her. There must be the same zero tolerance in all cases.

Third, make a wall of shame. Get refusers should not be able to live free and in the clear while chaining their spouses up. Their names and pictures should be publicised and kept on a database accessible to the public. Numerous men have given the get when faced with widespread public condemnation.

Fourth, no cold cases. The idea that Chava, a 35-year-old woman, is considered a “dead case” while her husband runs free in LA is shocking. Many cases in rabbinic courts have been resolved simply by not giving up and using creative thinking to solve them. The notion that we “give up” and raise our hands in defeat, allowing a man (women can refuse too but it is far more often men who deny a get) to chain his wife to a dead marriage is unacceptable.

Fifth, halachic prenups. While not currently used in UK rabbinic courts, these documents are used to prevent get abuse by starting a couple on the right foot, protecting one another from their worst selves. The document calls for an upkeep sum to be paid by the spouse that refuses divorce after a certain amount of time, incentivising the spouse to recognise that the marriage is over.

These concepts can be easily implemented, should we choose to protect the dignity of Jewish women and the integrity of Jewish marriage. Civil courts, social media shaming, public interest; is this the best we can do for Jewish marriage? Let Shira and Chava be the impetus for systemic change. Let us declare: No more get abuse.

Originally published in The Jewish Chronicle

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